~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ We're going oldschool up in this biznitch ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ re going oldschool up in this biznitch ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

My Journal

3/13/24

Hi, me. Still neglecting things and putting things off. But this year is different! I recieved a Hobonichi Techo as a gift! I've been making it a point to use it EVERY DAY as I see fit. This way I can actually plan things. It has been a huuuuuuuge help. I'm doing better about keeping up with important things. lus, it has been fun to become a "planner girly" and put cute things in my planner and stickers to make me feel good. The big thing is that I still have my Yule tree up, even after Imbolg. Hobgoblins galore, how fucking dare I. Ugh. I am about to take it down today, just as soon as I take care of some other business first! My anxieties and depression haven't totally gone away. I guess this is just a normal part of adulthood? But, I really feel like I have gotten a lot of color back into my vision. Everything looks brighter, and things I had put off I am finally progressing forward with. How did I do it? Journaling and getting to know myself, and untangling to roots of the problems and pulling them out of my soil. Like procrastination. Why am I procrastinating? I'm overwhelmed. Why am I overwhelmed? There's so much to do. Why is there so much to do? Because I let it build up and didn't do a little at a time. Why didn't I just do a little? Perfectionism, and how mentally exhausting it is. If I can't do something perfect, I might as well not do it at all. That's wrong. Something is better than nothing. And if it is too much, just ask for help. Split the labor. It'll all be okay. You aren't bad for not being able to finish "on time". It literally doesn't matter the way you've built up in your head. It's better to just DO.

11/26/23

It's been a while. That's because I actually did find a job! I have been working my ass off. But, job aside, today I worked on my house. Those boxes that were left? About half of them have been gone through! I have items I will be taking to the thrift stores tomorrow. It is just so stressful. I get like, anxiety around cleaning. And then I want to distract myself, and then I let shit pile up. Ugh. I'm tired of it. Things are getting closer to how I envisioned them being. I've still got more work to do on it, but it looks much nicer. And the things I neglected to clean, I tackled today. It felt good to do that. Of all the things left to do I need to do the following: Vacuum the couches and stairs, sweep the kitchen, mop the kitchen, clean the counters, clean out the cast iron skillet, rack the beer into bottles, vacuume the area where the Yule tree will go, get the Yule tree stuff out, gather up my clothes and take them to donate, etc. I also need to shampoo the air matress since some stuff got spilled on it. I will be unpacking some book boxes, and putting those on the bookshelves, which will be moved into the correct spot finally. It is just stressful having things. I am going to be downsizing a lot because my hobbies and project things have become more of an obligation than something enjoyable. So it is time to let things go. It's so hard because as I get older, I've let a lot of the stuff I used to like doing go. I still enjoy it to some extent, but there are a lot of things that feel like more work than fun. That has been the tricky part of my mid-20's. My interests have changed. I know that when I went through traumatic events the last few years, it changed something in me. I also prioritize things differently as an adult now. Putting food on the table and paying rent on time are top priority. I'm also trying to advance in my career faster so I can make more money. Some of the great project ideas I had before? The thought of executing them now just sounds exhausting both physically and mentally. I'm trying to keep the MArie Kondo sayings in mind, like "If it doesn't spark joy, thank it and then let it go". I'm also most anxious before I begin something. Then once I am moving and doing, the anxiousness leaves me as things become more methodical. I have to push myself just enough, but I'm trying to find the balance between pushing myself and exhausting myself. That's very tricky to do as an adult! And it is hard now that I have the job in the mix, but the job does not have the same level of responsibility that I had before. I don't come home as exhausted as I used to, which is really nice.

7/31/23

So wow, I have made some progress since last actual entry. The Ikea furniture is built and the house is more together than ever before! Still have boxes to go through, but our home is comfortably livable and looks nice. I've been much much much nicer to myself than ever before. Not working and being able to live normally has been an absolute blessing. Like, I ran myself into the fucking ground through COVID saving so much money. So I 100% deserved this break for my health. I am healthier than I was before. Not as physically healthy as I'd like to be, but I am way way more mentally healthy now. I feel like I have a sense of clarity I lacked for the last 3 years. My inner monologue is way more chill now. I'm not whipping myself constantly in my head. My sleep has gotten better. I am working on self-discipline more. I did this deep meditation where I walked with my patron Goddess Hekate. And of all the secrets and mysteries she told me of, the most mundane thing has been helpful. She said "Next time you seek me, no coffee or soda." I didn't take this as a blanket ban on caffeine or like some weird religious diet rule. But this was a demand of me specifically as a budding priestess. I have issues with addiction to caffiene and sugar, but specifically soda, and coffee was starting to transform into a substance I was abusing like soda. When I was at my lowest, I would drink soda in order to feel happiness. And I started using coffee to jolt myself awake in mornings where I just wanted to lay still and rot away. The two became tied in with how I coped with depression and anxiety, but they also exacerbated my feelings of anxiety and the caffeine crashes fucked up my sleep and made things worse. It was a bad spiral downward feeding itself, and I felt like I could not function without soda especially. Of course, those drinks and substances were not the true root of my problem. The true root of my problem was not being in allignment with what I truly wanted in life and also being in a miserable situation with my job (which, a job takes up more than half your waking life). But the issue with those substances and why I needed to quit consuming soda and coffee, is that I was using it to cope and to numb my problems and true feelings. It was doing more harm than good. If I was still constantly numbing myself, I would not have truly confronted my issues with my developed anxiety. When I started to feel anxious, I would've drank more soda (and sugar and caffiene) and continued to spiral as the caffiene and the chemicals in my brain it triggered caused me to have more anxieties faster and my heart to race. Instead, I needed to stop numbing the feelings temporarily and start feeling them fully so I could process them. I have had to re-train my brain over months. When I started feeling anxious, I had to think and talk about why I was feeling anxious and process it instead of reaching for a soda. I have gone more than a month without soda. I went over three weeks without coffee for the reset. Now, some mornings I allow myself to have one cup of coffee. Some mornings, I don't, I drink tea instead to alternate so I don't become exclusively dependent on coffee. Another thing I did during the time I wasn't drinking coffee or soda at all was having an anxiety tea blend made with nervine herbs. It was caffeine free and I would only sweeten it with honey, not sugar. If I would feel the anxiety coming on, which I started to recognize the signs of, I would drink it. The nervine herbs would help to curb the anxiety so I could process it (instead of the caffiene which would give me a flood of like endorphins and serotonin to try to cover up the anxiety). So after eventually processing a lot of my anxiety and fears and facing them, I wake up feeling normal now. I no longer have this rush of dread or panic. Another big thing I did was a job interview. Just one. I had a very REAL panic attack the night before. I started hyperventilating, I was crying, and I was frozen in place like a deer in the headlights. My mind blanked out. I felt like I was in danger even though I logically knew I wasn't, I was in my own living room. I knew consciously and logically I was okay, but I was at war with my own body freezing up and physiologically acting like I wasn't. I felt trapped inside my own body, and I felt this horrible loss of control. I was so terrified of doing a job interview. But my wonderful partner stayed by my side through that panic attack until I came out of the fog. It was the only time I've ever truly had a panic attack. It was terrible. But I did come out of it and we talked about it. I divulged my fears and that I knew the panic attack was the culmination of the way I had been functioning on the regular for the last few years. I was constantly walking in a moderate anxiety state and just numbing it to avoid a panic attack like that. And the thought of going back to work and ending up in a situation like I was before fucking terrified me. But logically, I KNOW now what the bad signs are, and I have every right to say no if I get offered a job. A job interview is not the end of the world! It is just talking to people. I can do as many or as few as I want. And what are the real chances the people will be shitty? Who actually cares what they think of me? I go in, they get to know me a little, and later on they say yes or no. That's it, my identity and value as a person does not hinge on a single thing about it. So I did the interview the next morning. I did it, and it went amazing! I got through it just fine. And surprisingly, I had all the skills and experience to a T that an adjacent department was looking for. I know now that I did not get the job I applied for. But that is okay. Someone else more deserving got it. But that other department is still a possible open door for me. I've still been so intimidated to apply again. I'm still dealing with some anxieties around applying for more jobs. But just doing that first interview and overcoming that feeling was a huge step for me. But it is about time I get back up on the horse. I want to do it for myself. I had dreams and goals that got shot through by COVID, but now doors are opening again, and people are gathering again. I have opportunities out there finally again. I just need to leap for them. I'm intimidated by what I could end up doing, or if I make the wrong choice, but I need to trust myself that I am older and more experienced than I used to be. I know what I want, and I know now to trust my gut. Saying no for any reason is 100% valid. So now it is just a matter of working on my resume and applying. But my resume is already mostly put together. So now it is just applying.

6/23/23

My computer died when I was about to type this so I'm here from the future (July 31st) to just let you all know that this woul've been an entry but now is forever lost!

5/25/23

It has been over a month and I still need to finish unpacking. Thankfully I have a friend coming by later to help me get through it. Which is great because I know my partner is overwhelmed, too. We aren't hoarders, but we have a lot of things now with no space to put them. Accumulating these things happened in part because of our move. We had closet and dresser space and such, but now we just don't have the same space. I am struggling to find new organization methods. I also need to build our new Ikea furniture. It is just one thing after another. I have a to-do list today to get shit done. But it's just so much it is overwhelming, so I'm sitting on the couch typing this instead, haha. I've always been an overperformer and procrastinator. Like with the Ikea furniture, I'm worried I won't have the right tools or know how to build it myself, or that I won't be able to build it myself without my partner's help. But see, this is me starting to recognize my anxieties, or maybe even Anxiety. I'm so worried I don't even want to open the package and look at the instructions. But logically, I know this is a dumb thing to be "afraid" of. God. I just... I think the thing I'm really afraid of is opening the package, making a mess, and then feeling like a failure because I'm unable to do it all myself perfectly. I'm afraid the pieces out will inconvenience my spouse because they'll be in the way. Because I want to over-perform. And I want to over-perform because... It's what I was taught to do? It's the expectation that was set. I always do great, I'm a wonderful and disciplined child, a great employee, I don't want people to be dissappointed in me. I'm scared to have voices raised at me. And this: I don't think this was entirely my parents fault. They did their best and they did absolutely wonderful and are still awesome and strong people. I did not go through a "rough" childhood at all. I was never spanked. I was never grounded. I listened well. I was emotionally intelligent and very sensitive. I unfortunately inherited my mother's over-performance and perfectionism to a fault. And I know that at my last job, I exceled! I really was given utterly shit circumstances and basically sticks and stones to work with, but I built a city with those. I had virtually no relationship with my manager, so the second anyone made a slightly negative comment which was out of the norm, he would come down hard on me despite him not giving me the support or guidance I needed at all. I was really just left to figure it out, and I did. It was hard. So basically I put in two years of work under changing circumstances and lots of struggle with no support, and in the end I constantly had the looming threat of getting dinged by the damn time clock for points which would eventually cost me my job because they micromanaged so hard, and my manager came down really hard on me when things with a project I was working on that I probably shouldn't have been started to blow up. Despite the fact that they gave me no training, guidance, or any of the support I actually needed. According to protocol, a project manager should've been assigned. But there never was. There was literally nothing I could do. And for over two years, that took its toll on me mentally. I hated that. I started to feel like a hamster on a wheel and that no matter what I did there was always a punishing hand looming overhead just eager to strike at me. I got to a point a year to a year-and-a-half in where I would sit in my office and think about "what if I dissappeared? Maybe I should consider just killing myself because the pandemic just isn't ending and I'm just stuck here. My industry is caput. I have no other job prospects. I can't support my spouse otherwise. But no, no. Don't go down that route. They need you. Your spouse needs you. But what's the point of living if it's so miserable, day in, and day out?? No, your family would be devastated. It's a job. It's not forever. And this is not forever. But it hurts. Everything is just so heavy, what is the point of even helping if other people will eventually figure it out for themselves? Or what if it's out of your control? Why help if they're just going to scoff and eventually complain again? Stuff keeps breaking and we can't even get new things since everything is delayed. IF you kill yourself, maybe your spouse will at least get the life insurance money...? NO, BAD IDEA. DON'T DO IT. This is only temporary. Either the job will get better, the world will get better, or you'll wake up feeling better another day. It's not worth it. You have hopefully at least 40 more years left to live, ideally many more. They won't be lived here. Not in this way. There are dozens of other things you should do before even THINKING about killing yourself. If nothing truly mattered, and you were gonna do it, you'd go to your manager and say "I QUIT" and just walk out without a care for the consequences. And then maybe life would get better. But what if it doesn't...? What if there's no point to any of this? No, but there is. You're saving money. You're doing it for the money and insurance. But I'm not improving, and there's no support for me to actually improve my own skills and this situation. But no, things have improved. You being here and working to improve things is an improvement from the nothing they had before. But they blame me now when things go even a little wrong that I can't control. They yell at me. I'm going to eventually be punished no matter what. I'm replaceable. Nobody gives a damn, they're all mired in their own struggles. They'll look for a chance to fire me eventually, it'll be too tempting for them. They hired me probably earlier than they should have. Things are constantly changing, they're in flux trying people on and off. You're next. If you kill yourself you may get some life insurance and save them the trouble. No, we should quit first. Just, fuck you. Fuck you for being worthless and not being able to get through it. Look at what everyone who has supported you has gone through. Arguably many many worse things. This is baby shit. You have a cushy life. You're saving money. You have healthcare fucking finally. How dare you want to throw it away? Don't throw it away. Save just a bit more, a bit more. It doesn't matter anyway. They'll blame everything on you and fire you eventually, even if it isn't your fault. Show them how good you can do to keep your job for now. Hold onto this with your dying grip, make them tell you what they really think. And in the meantime, sit and take the money. Just sit tight, say yes. Be a good girl. You're getting PAID. Just nod yes at all the right times. Just do the bare minimum. Just keep giving your time and body and mind for dollars that won't matter as much soon due to inflation and rising prices. You think they won't matter but every penny counts if you're going to survive all this. You need to try to anticipate everything, because something unexpected could knock you down and you'll NEVER be able to come back. It'll be out of your control again and you'll be a failure. What if your spouse gets sick from covid again? How could you let them deal with that alone?? You're a bad spouse if you do! Stock your house. You need money to do that dumbass. Don't throw the job away. Keep preparing for rainy days in the future. You've seen it happen. Remember when there was no toilet paper? Remember when grocery stores imposed rations on customers? In reality, you're poor. It may seem like you live cushy, and you do. But it's all a veneer, and one hard hit will RUIN you. You need to do it for your spouse. Save money, buy to prep. Keep the kitchen full. Keep the cleaning supplies stocked. You never know when modern convenience will suddenly dissappear. And it can. Supply chain is fragile. You're doing the right thing. Keep being a good girl and bite your tongue. Just take it untill you can't take anymore. Take it until you're in a great place. What happens if the US officially gaets involved and globl conflict starts? This job will fund your survival. It's all about just surviving. But if I'm not living and growing, then what is the point? Maybe I should just kill myself before it's too late and I suffer anymore. No, you have to hope things will eventually get better. Have patience. It could even take YEARS, but have patience. Remember, 'In the darkest of times, hope is something you give yourself'. But it's hard. It's hard and you have no support. But just for today, just for today keep walking forward. Just... get up. GEt up, come on. Stop being lazy. Just get up and do one thing, MOVE BODY DAMN IT. Just up from your desk! Shit... now they're calling you. You failed to anticipate they'd be here early, so now they're calling you. You failed. You're in a corner, you have no excuse. Just say sorry. Be a good girl. If they fire you now, at least it will be over with. But if you get fired, you'll have to explain it on your employment record, why you're a failure. Maybe you should just quit. If you don't try you won't fail. But if you don't try you're a failure. You're a failure no matter what. There's no point to trying or not trying. So I guess, just get up and try anyway? Just go through the motions. Maybe something will go right. Maybe tehy'll thank you and then you'll feel wonderful. You always feel good when other people say how good you're doing. Just get up and go help this guy. Put the phone down. That's right, now move one foot. OH SHIT, He's texting you now. Go, go, move quick! Hurry up lazy bones, stop being a 90-year-old-woman like Mom always says! They need you right now, you're literally doing nothing here and wasting their valuable time! Move failure! They're saving people's lives everyday and you're sitting here being worthless and inconveniencing them." That whole narrative. Gods. That's all the trauma right there, day in and day out. Listening to these stupid prepper channels and YouTube assayists didn't help my worldview either. It was just so ugly. My inner monologue got so ugly. I had a tarot reading done yesterday, and I talked with my reader about my potential for career. We talked about the trauma centered around the last job lightly. She read that if I pursue another IT job there was a Tower card, and she said the siruation may not be so great as it is described, but then she read my potential for pursing my original career path again and she said it will be hard work, but I will have to go into it with passion and a fire lit under my ass. It may not pay the bills at first. But I'd have to just MAKE IT WORK. It was really a crossroads reading and I asked for a final question about the past job trauma and she drew more cards and said that I clearly need to do some inner child work, and probably deconstruct that and do some serious shadow work, cord-cutting, and personal cleansing before I make a decision. Because these things I'm holding onto and all this trauma is probably coloring or will color my perceptions of either career choice. and she's not wrong. So here I am. Journaling it out. What do I know now? What have I learned? Mean inner monologues just hurt you more and don't change anything. I need to accept that which I can and cannot control. I wish I could go back in time and hug myself. I would tell myself from 8 months to a year ago that all these systemic issues... I cannot prepare for them. I cannot anticipate everyones needs because I am not a mind reader. I cannot control what happens. I have to surrender to that. Surrender is not failure. Surrender is not failiure. Admitting when you're wrong is not failure. Those times I could not do anything, I was not a failure. I was actually doing amazing for the shit situation I was in. It's hard to break even on an obviously losing hand but somehow I did it for years. I staved off the inevitable. But was it worth it? In some ways yes, in some ways no. I incurred a lot of internal damge doing it. I ran myself into the fucking ground. I burnt out. That to me was not worth it. But it happened. And I did the best I had with the information I had. I don't think that is failure. It was survival. It was ugly and human. It happened and cannot be changed. There were times I was done really dirty by the people around me for 1/2 of every waking day, but they were also done dirty by people above and around them. It's hard and still hurts, but I forgive them. And I know they may not have realized just how dirty they were doing me, or how much I held it inside me and let it fester. I worked with those people, but they honestly didn't know me or get to know me. I was just the person that fixed problems. It was a vicious cycle made worse by no communication. I didn't seek help. I lied that I was okay because I equated surrender with failure. That was a mistake, but not a failure. IT was a msitake because I stayed in a pit of hurt for so long. I bottled it up which I always do because my mother and father taught me to push through and that if you look good you are good. Now I am letting it out. my head hurts. It hurts from crying so much. But as a final note to me, you're doing great sweaty haha. Yes, sweaty. It's a joke. I really do mean it though. I'm going to be more gentle with you. You needed this. DOn't lie that you're okay anymore. Just don't. Trust your gut. Nothing is worht losing yourself and losing sight like you did before.

4/20/23

Ha ha funny weed number. I'm tired. My sleep has been jacked up. I have to close things out and clean up at my old home. I went back recently and I had just the WORST anxiety. I don't know fully why. Like I froze up and did not get shit clean like I wanted to. I just... it's sad because I really did have a love for my home, but I think it is just all the shit that happened there that compounded and kind of came crashing back on me. The energy of that place and my reaction to it were just noticeably different. And it's nothing to do with the house itself. It's just that a lot of high stress moments happened there. I worked a job I really didn't like for two years and would just come home exhausted. I'd get woken up to work calls before work on my personal phone. I really couldn't fully destress. Also the time we had to call 911 for a visiting family member was scary. Also because of energy levels being low for household members, we just let some things go and it was hard to keep up with the house. It got messier in some ways than I would've liked. I also suffered through COVID r-r-r-r-ROUND TWO there. I have happy memories there, don't get me wrong. But a lot of the sort of trauma fallout and subsequent depression cycles happened there, too. So going back and being in that space again by myself just brought back a lot of that memory, and when I tried to do things a move things it felt like moving through molasses. I felt mentally and physically sapped. I don't quite feel like that in my new house. I feel stress from having to unpack, yes. But it's just not the same. Crazy how that works huh?

4/7/23

Okay so wow. Long time to go without popping in here. But it wasn't time wasted, that's fo sure! I totally wrote some of that ritual. But I just haven't finalized or finished it yet. I also had a hell of a time moving. But it is done, and most of the major painting is done. The rest can wait tbh, it is low priority. The areas I would paint, I'd touch up mainly because they don't look terrible. They're... okay, for now. Tolerable. I just updated my shrines. I finally added the RMWT shrine. I feel like with quite a few of my shrines, they're WIP just because learning coding is new to me. I have things I want to do, but it is just figuring out how to execute those changes that is the road block. I also only have so much energy any given day. So the RMWT shrine is up with its own BG and text and the logo, but I haven't added in the rest of the formatting or art yet. That is filed in "eventually". Today I went to the gym despite being exhausted from moving and I realized how ou of shape I actually am. But I still had a fun time! I always feel better when and after I exercise. Basically, I'm in shape enough to lift my furniture with few issues, but I can't really do more than 5 lbs per free weight without struggling hard during reps. I also went with a friend, and it was our first time working out together like that. I still hope I didn't annoy her with asking questions about like whether or not she does resistance exercises, or if she works her biceps and triceps seperately at all. She said she's just doing what feels good right now. I grew up training for the sports I was in, so when we did additional workouts my coaches used to specify the areas we were working and why, and how it would help us to do whatever the sport required. I also used to do a lot of yoga as a kid, so I learned how to isolated and work specific parts of my body. Today was the awkward phase of me seeing how she works out, and her seeing how I work out, and us finding the middle ground just for today. Next time, I may follow her routine strictly to try something new. I've always been and "all around full body" workout type of person though. I don't do only a leg day or only an arm day. I may emphasize one over the other, but I have a ton of exercises I learned that I go through to hit all over my body throughout the workout. My ideal form I'd like to achieve one day is best described as "She Hulk but a Short Queen". I used to be way more lean and I had rock hard calf muscles. Now I'm just squishy with a little more of a mead belly. If I want to take my career in the direction I'm thinking, I will need to be fitter by the time I start working again anyways. I also miss the days I could do a back bend from standing and come back up, and when my body was more flexible. I have to remind myself all that can be redeveloped, it'll just take more time now that I am older. I have to be kind to myself first. I also don't believe in asceticism or restricting too much or fasting. I know from experience, if you're going to work out and build muscle, you burn a lot of calories and need to be replenishing appropriately and getting the right nutrition. And in my experience, restricting myself from foods makes me want them more. And at worst that can lead to breaking a diet and even potentially binging on the food. Instead, I try to find "healthier" versions of foods that won't have as detrimental an impact and have at least SOME nutrition. My favorite meal to have after workouts was always a tall glass of chocolate milk and a turkey sandwich on white bread with baby spinach, mayo, and pickles. I'd get the salty crunch of chips from the pickles, and the chocolate and sugar from the syrup in the chocolate milk instead of munching on chips or having soda, or a chocolate bar, or any other number of "empty calorie" or high fat and sugary foods. And it would satisfy my craving so I wouldn't desire chocolate or chips. And the spinach in the sandwich had that good vitamin K, and the white bread and mayo made it feel more filling and satisfying without being too much. The turkey had the protein, and the milk had other vitamins too. It just hit the perfect spot and it helped me to recover quicker at my lower level. I'm def not a body builder or a workout expert. I don't do that whey protein powder stuff. But now, I did do protein shakes as an emergency meal replacement when I worked events. I would feel my blood sugar get low, and I needed way more protein from the amount I walked sans the daily lifting I did on the job. If we had a lot going on and I felt the wind-down, I would run back to the break room and pound back a shake. It always helped. I never really drank those unless I was replacing a meal in a rush or emergency, or unless I genuinely needed the extra protein and could feel the change in my body. I'm a foodie, an eatie, and a drinkie haha. I like having full meals and three square meals a day if the schedule allows. I'm not one of these people that can live off shakes. I have to have variety, and I love to cook when I have the time and ingredients!

3/26/23

Great news! It is amazing how things can change so quickly in a matter of days. The condo owner got back to me and I ended up signing the lease and making the payment because everything checked out great! I have a new home and I'm so happy with it. Already deciding on paint colors! As far as priorities go, I need to work on a ritual I'm supposed to author ASAP. I just have no clue where to start. I have to have it done in a few weeks but I will be moving, so therin lies the issue. Gotta do it today or tomorrow, just pound it out on the keys. There is a healing aspect involved, and it must be in line with the sign Libra, so I have to figure out whomst this working will involve and how we will go about it. I've written rituals meant to be performed in water before, maybe I could bring in the water element for healing? I've also wanted to do a ritual to Hygeia ever since covid started, this may be a good time to do ritual for her, for health and cleanliness. Ideas, ideas...

3/21/23

I had a terrible melancholy mood today. I was also feeling overwhelemed. It's hard because I know time is running low on finding a new apartment and a new job. I had quite the panicky feeling. I also started to feel like it's all my fault (which in some ways it is) and I started to be really hard on myself. So I recognized that and I just... I realized I need to just not, I needed to break out of that headspace. And then I started thinking about how I was growing up, and what kept me busy and motivated and feeling good and healthy. I realized I used to get way more exercise, and exercise and sports always made me feel excited and happier. I always feel better and more focused when I'm moving my body because even when I'm exhausted my mind can still just GoGoGo fast. But I focus easier because my body is physically tired out and I feel like I've accomplished something already. Sooooooo I went skating. I just up and left the house with my skates and I went. It was a lot of fun! I always miss how much I used to go skating when I do, and I miss my muscles. I don't have those same muscles anymore but that is okay. I can always get them back! My mood has improved and I was actually able to hunt for apartments witout feeling overwhelmed and I found a nice condominium that looked more affordable. Fingers crossed the owner gets back to me!

3/17/23

Another day. I stayed up super late last night so I totally just slept in late. I watched my friends stream today and tried to make them laugh. I was being totally out-of-pocket just to make them laugh, and it definitely spiced things up a bit. They need to just go on a date, they're adorable. I ship it rawr XD! I also got back on reading tarot again. I am trying to read more regularly so I get better. My dream is to read for people one day, and hopefully get paid to do it. I'm aware of the Golden Dawn associations and Kaballah and Numerology, and I've studied those some, but I haven't fully integrated those aspects of reading tarot yet. But I definitely have reading down. I'm more just needing some deeper study and refinement. But I know from a vision I had that when I read to get paid, I will be using the Lenormand and NOT the Rider-Waite-Smith Tarot. Thats a whole seperate system I have to practice. I know some of it, but I haven't mastered it like I've almost mastered RWS Tarot. All in time I guess. Also I did find out that a mancala association exists! But unfortunately they look new-ish and their site is kinda bunk. Looks like there was a major dip during covid and like maybe they redid things and it is a WIP. They had a tournament info section but it turned up blank when I clicked into it.

3/16/23

Ah yes, a blessed day. I went shopping today and bought a new bathroom set. Sometimes I feel like a hobgoblin, but on days like this when I feel good it's nice to do adult thing like that. It's a fancy matching set, and I even carefully coordinated the pieces I chose since a full set from the same brand wasn't available at the store. But I totally made excellent design choices despite the limitations, everything looks coordinated. Now I have to do something about my Yule tree still being up, and then we wwill really be at peak adult maturity. The other great news is I applied for a place to live. I've no clue if I will get it or not. But I applied, so that is something. Maybe I will actually have a place to live within a month that is really nice. We'll be able to afford it for some time, but unfortunately I DEFINITELY have to go back to work. But on the bright side, today I felt physically better, like not so sick, and I kind of feel the fire lighting under my ass and in my spirit. I actually kind of am looking forward to the job hunt this round. It was awful after Uni, and it was God-afwul during COVID when my whole industry was basically wiped out indefinitely. But now I have some confidence because I'm with my partner and his situation is reliable. And Covid times are "over" or so it has been declared, so job availability is spiking right now. I feel more hopeful that I have a chance to jump back to what I was doing before and grow my career the way I actually want to rather than being a desk slave and flash drive inserter/computer-restarter. I always say I miss the rush. I used to work myself to exhaustion and I had a hella commute and not-so-great pay but I had a great team, a great director, and I was learning and progressing the way I wanted to. And I was constantly alert and engaged. The job I ended up in to make ends meet during globally awful times was just ass by comparison. Not exciting, same thing over and over again. Just not my pace. But now? I actually have work experience that is substantial. So even when people say "entry level, 3-5 years of experience desired" I can actually meet that bar now (even though I still think job posting like that is utter horseshit) and I am older now. I'm a bit wiser, and I've learned some hard lessons. So this time when I go into an interview, I'm going to 180 my interviewer and interview them with the hard questions that I know will tell me if the job will work for me or not. I'm going to try not to be rude about it of course, but I absolutely plan to not grill, but at least lightly sear my interviewers on all sides before I eat my servings. What are some of the hard lessons I learned, you may ask? I learned that when you work for a third party company that works in-house for another company doing manual labor, the company owning the main business that your company has the deal with may make outrageous time demands and forego employee safety in favor of more profits. When I was in that situation, I was too young and ignorant of OSHA and labor laws to know the situations I was in actually were dangerous and had prescribed and legally-required safety procedures that we regulalry flouted. I learned that some companie will go through "time of flux" and "growing pains" and sometimes will under-hire and fill voids with contractors. I learned that when those contractors go away, the full-time perm and part-time perm will remain as is, and people will be required to take on more duties. And if an employee will do it, employers are only so happy to dump the work of two jobs into one "split position" to save them money, and make one employee a super flexible jack-of-all-trades/swiss-army-knife to fill the many needs that should be a seperate job position. It save the company tens of thousands of dollars, and makes the employee lose out. I know because I've been that exact employee and the burnout is like nothing else. I've also learned abotu communication styles more. Some managers try to play all hardball and make demands and blah blah blah. The best directors and managers I've had were the ones who said "you can ask me anything, I'd rather you ask and we get it right and/or make it a teachable moment rather than you try to do it and get it wrong. We are in this together. What you do reflects on both you and me, and it is my responsibility to make sure you can properly do your job. Let's be transparent with eachother." As opposed to "Alright, go do your your work, just go shadow this other guy and have him teach you, you do it, we have to meet metrics. And no, I don't need to hear about that. That's to much info (even if it is essential info). And go do this, this, and this extra thing. And I'm putting you on this special project. I don't know, go ask someone else. That sucks." I know the differences much more clearly now, and now that I haven't been mired in shit, I've had plenty of time to reflect on that. This journal has been great because it is giving me a way to reflect. My handwriting is slow sometimes, and I feel like typing allows me to just... stream my thoughts faster. In other news, I've been watching The Queen's Gambit. It is renewing my love of chess. I once tried to join a chess club that was sponsored by my math teacher in high school, but halfway through the year he dropped teaching math classes altogether so the club was no longer sponsored. I also remember at the time it was small and we played some matches and they had a paper packet with moves but it was kind of intimidating and the club devolved. I remember two boys being really into chess, and they discussed some special moves like I'm seeing in the Queen's Gambit. My early exposure to chess was when I was about 8 or 9, and my friend's dad retired and her parents bought a fancy new house. They had a coffee table with the prettiest marble chess set. It was like brown and beige/white marble pieces and board, and had a gold border. I never once saw her parents or older brothers play. Now that I'm older, I think it was all there just for the aesthetic. But we asked if we could play and they said yes, and my friend "taught" me how to play chess when I slept over. She knew how some of the pieces moved, and I think she knew how to play, but she was a cheater. She taught me her Queen could move in multiple directions at once. And jump over pieces lol. She liked to use my gullibility to win every time. She was a year older than me. And when I caught on and tried to do the same she'd tell me I was doing it wrong. And then I was invited to the Talented and Gifted program in 4th grade. They taught us how to play correctly, and when I held my friend to the rules and called bullshit, she acted all miserable and decided she didn't want to play anymore. We didn't play chess again for a few more years, not until we were teenagers and we actually played a fair and square game. And you know what? She managed to win a game, and so did I. We were older, smarter, more mature, and more competitive. But we also had better attitudes. Mostly haha. And then I tried the chess club in high school and it went under pretty quickly. But I never stopped enjoying the game. I'm partnered with a person (that I love very much) that is into super high strategy rulebook-type tabletop gaming. And they've started to get me into it too, to a degree. But I will always choose Mancala, Chess, Poker, Solitare, And many other more traditional card, dice, and board games over RPGs and high fantasy tabletop games. I just love a good classic game. My absolute favorite is Mancala. I wish there were Mancala tournaments like how there are Chess tournaments. It's a game I excel in. I play it on Nintendo Switch and I pretty much only ever play the impossible difficulty player. Maybe I will research to see if there was a way to play in a Mancala tournament one day.

3/15/23

I talked with my mommy today. It made me feel a lot better about where I am rn in life. I'm not in an easy position rn but nobody ever said life was gonna be easy. I have been sick lately but I am bouncing back today. I'm glad to feel it passing finally, and it seems to be passing quickly now. After a solid 4 days of hell. But still, nothing beats my first covid experience AND my Salmonella poisoning experience. I'm still snivelly but not drowsy or overly congested. I can only do what I can do for the time being, and I just have to accept that. I'm too hard on myself. It's been 3 years now and I am still too hard on myself. That is the lesson I'm supposed to be learning. My best friend sent me her resume. I need to update mine. Once I update it I will send it to her to review. I have people I need to get in contact with, too. I think I will need to get another job. Even if only part time. Something to aid in finding a new home. If I can have an income stream we can make it work, we can afford the mandatory 3x the rent most places require. In better news, I have been collecting Zines. I've found some great feminist, anarchist, pro-unionization, LGBTQIA+, and more Zines. I got PDFs of some I am going to print out and distribute. The area I live in is uber Catholic and pretty conservative. But when Roe v. Wade was overturned, there was this awesome house with a giant halloween skeleton that they dressed up as a Supreme Court Justice and stood up over their big fence so it was viewable to everyone driving the big main road. And I've seen a few cars absolutely COVERED in "liberal" bumper stickers. There are a handful of very outspoken people, and it is very reassuring. I've also seen the teens at the library. They remind me of my friends from not too long ago: Openly LGBTQIA+, finding refuge near the manga shelves and YA novels, discussing dreams of a hopeful future and the latest relationship/friend dramas in a world that is turning openly hostile to them. Do they care? Hell no. And honeslty, that's what I love about people my age and younger. Do we give a fuck? No. We are going to be who we are going to be, and fuck the world if they can't deal. I remember just 10 years ago, we thought things were progressing so well. My friends were elated they could dream of legally getting married one day. I had dreams for my career, for my health, my body, my family. And then of course these people in positions of power deliver a solid slap to the face, a slap to the ass. And we are right back feeling like it is 2008 all over again, and we're on the deg of financial collapse. I want to put out information where it is accessible. That will be my part in this fight. And all I can hope is that this information that is deemed "provocative" or "improper" and is subject to censorship by the state gets into the right hands. Into youthful hands, into the hands of those who need it. When I was younger and still learning, the avenue for finding what was forbidden was FanFiction. I used to read so much yaoi at an age when I probably shouldn't have, and it was because it was a way for me to read stories about characters I loved in non-trad-het relationships where representation in most YA novels just wasn't available. I was able to explore my own identity. I'll say now, I am cis and straight. But at the time, so many stories with women were either making it a point to make a woman "SO STRONG AND IndEPEndent" like a "pick me" girl and it was all about the post-apocalyptic stories, or they were almost like hyper-feminine and girly. And I did not care for that at all. I just wanted to exist, and my existence be accepted as it was. I didn't want to wear makeup, or feel like I had to, and I was interested in webcomics, and superheroes, anime, and my arts and crafts, and paganism. I was interested in cameras, too, and cosplay. In my late teen years, I wanted to listen to MSI and play LolliPop Chainsaw and Arkham City and drink the wine cooler I hid under my bed, lol. I didn't want my dad to be weird around me when I got my period, and I told him so. Just call it what it is, and pick me up some pads at the grocery store homie D! If I could've had it my way I'd have never worn a bra regularly either. And I always knew, from my young teen years, I liked manly men. Everyone wanted Zac Efron and Robert Pattinson, but I wanted Hugh Jackman and other burly bearded men. I wan't really into boys. I thought I might possibly be a lesbian for a while because I also found women attractive visually. I had more dreams about women in my teen years. My classmate thought I was gay because all of my friends were in some way. And honestly, I still find women visually attractive to a degree, but I realize I don't actually want to have sex with women. Fanfiction was the avenue where I could read all kind of stories, where anything went, and I could think through those things. My own parents weren't homophobic in the traditional sense. My mom definitely wasn't. My dad had past trauma that made him uncomfortable around my gay friends at first and uncomfortable with the idea of homosexuality, but he didn't actually hate gay people or people for being gay. There was a nuance to it, and he knows the difference between his trauma and other people's experiences. It doesn't make it any easier of course, but again, life was never guaranteed to be easy. I just know me possibly being gay worried my parents because they were worried I'd end up in situations where they wouldn't know how to guide me, or that I'd face more challenges. I never felt like I couldn't talk to them, and I did talk to my mom a few times. But I also accepted myself early on, and I never wanted to hide who I was as a woman. And I didn't want to worry my parents too much because I had the image as the "golden oldest" child. So fanfiction became my quiet avenue where I could independently explore privately, only having to delete my internet history regularly. But sure enough, I got older! And when I got older, so did my male peers, the boys grew to look like the men who sparked my young "awakening". And it wasn't long before I fell in love. But I remember that the access to those stories and information as I grew up let me feel what being in the role of a "male bottom" was like (albeit, I know most of that fanifiction was probably innacurate haha), and I could pretend my existence as a woman was just like existing equally as a man, and having relationships and experiences and enjoying it. Not being shamed for it like what the rampant purity culture at the time was doing to the teen girls around me. I also realize that school taught me how to be a good docile empoyee, and I've probably missed out on money because of it. In this phase of my life I am unlearning things. I wish I was taught more about OSHA and my rights as a worker. A sign taped up on the breakroom wall was all I was given when I was thrown out into the workforce doing manual labor in unsafetied scissor lifts (because we could get the jobs done faster if we could drive it while it was up and if we weren't bound by cumbersome harnesses) and I realize how fucked up my perception of what was acceptible safety-wise was when I switched jobs for the first time. There's so much info youths need access to for healthy development that is actively supressed. Obviously not fanficition lol. The lesson there is that young people WILL find whatever they need to help their personal growth and development whether or not it is healthy. Young people aren't stupid. So the better alternative I believe now is distributing Zines secretly in accessible places. My own, other peoples, etc. Doesn't matter. A small zine can be quietly hidden. The digital world is hyper-monitored now. Text in photos even can be detected by devices and catalogued with the IPs as aprt of the user data "profiles" sold to advertisers. We live in the world where advertising knows you're gay before you know, or they know you're pregnant before you know, because even eye movements and our conversations are percieved by devices that are always on. A piece of paper, if well-hidden, won't give you away unless it is found. Texting your friends and saving pics might give you away if it changes the advertising that is pushed to other memebrs of your household. It's sad. But that's why I want to distribute paper copies. And I will. Because as the State tries to supress what is in schools and libraries, there has to be another way. And if my hands and spirit can pave that way to help others, so be it. If it is meant to be found, it will find a way into the right hands. Vive la resistance!

3/14/23

SO, yeah, this is my first entry. I'm so lost right now. Ugh. I lost so much with the pandemonium that was the pandemie. I gained a lot, too, but I am just so lost now. It seems no matter how much I worked, I was miserable. I told myself lies that I was lucky to find work during such a hard time. Meanwhile my workplace used me. They used me, and I had no help or support from my department. I lost out on thousands that they saved because they dumped work on me that absolutely was not my responsibility. But I kept saying "Yes" and "Okay!" because I was scared to lose my job or look like I was underperforming if I said no. I lied to myself that I was lucky and privileged and should be grateful. And I made great money in that time. I did! But I hated it. I had to leave. And now I just don't know what to do. I feel like my view of working for big companies is shattered. I had basically no relationship with my manager for the last two years. I operated pretty much independently. I took the first excuse I could to leave cleanly, otherwise I felt the parting would not be so amicable. But now that I've parted ways, I don't know where to go next, and my lease is about to end. Rent is going up drastically. I no longer have proof of income for getting an apartment, or health insurance. This time has made me hate America. I hate the way we have systems set up because nobody gives a shit about the people. I feel worthless if I'm not working, and deep down I know that is so, so wrong. I feel like I am supposed to jump up and get another job but I'm also sick rn. I caught a cold and it's been kicking my ass. I'm just supposed to make things work I guess. Somehow. It's hard when you have savings but places are jacking up rent so much that they require you to make 3x the rent and they don't even care whether or not you can actually pay for the place, they care about income. And there's no exceptions for being between jobs or uh, being human and not a corporate work slave. It's ass. I CAN afford a place. That's exactly what I saved money for like a responsible adult. But they won't want to let me rent anyways. It's like, what's the point? What is the point of living in this country anymore when shit is so fucked up? Like, I get it now why people just give up and cheat the system, or why people say fuck the law or fuck everything. The systems we have do not work in favor of the people. I wish I was smart enough to find a way to make money easier and have a semi-regular income. I wish I wasn't so useless. The worst part is that my partner depended on me and I dipped from my job because I hated it just that much and was not happy at all. I feel burned and like I have to heal from my experience of the last two years. But I'm running out of time. I just ran myself ragged and now I have a chance to relax. But I feel burdened by guilt. Maybe I will find a new opportunity. Maybe I'll find a better balance eventually. But just for today I need to recover from my sinus cold. I guess I can talk about something happier? I have taken a huge interest in DarknetDiaries by Jack Rhysider. I have an interest in infosec now, I just am at the beginning stages of learning computers still. I am getting better with HTML, and I'd like to learn Python. I also am learning a bit about web proxies and monitoring traffic, but I'm a n00b. I'm, like, scared to join a forum or IRC chat to really learn but I know I probably should one day. Eventually...